Remember the joke about my 2 weeks notice?

Homemade family videos can be highly informative about how you were as a child. Were you an angelic little people pleaser? Were you an uncontrollable heathen? Were you somewhere in between the two?  Only home videos can really tell and allow you to step back in time to see the reality of who you were.

One day I was watching a home video with the family and in the video my mom tells me to stop doing something. Being the defiant little sinner that I was, you can see me shaking me curly haired pony tail “no” very adamantly. I think they classify this type of child as “strong willed.” That was me, alright. Praise be to God he got a hold of my soul, but many times deep down I have these tendencies to shake my head no at God as though I know what is best for myself. Inside of me is the same 3 year old who wants to do what she wants to do without any consideration of what is good, right, or maybe even helpful for me.

In a 12 month period, I have told God “no” to three different things.  I am now eating my words on each and every one of them.

October 2011- “God, I refuse to work for a church. And I refuse to move back to Fayetteville.”

Guess what I was doing 8 months later?

October 2012- “I REFUSE to go to seminary. I just won’t do it.” (imagine very strong head shaking on this one)

Late December 2012 hits, and there was something weird going on in my mind about seminary.  I was considering it sincerely for the first time in my entire life. Then my boss, Stephen, goes and tells all students one Sunday morning at the beginning of the semester how my time working for the church is open-ended, so God can move me as he chooses.  Up until this point the running joke had been about me turning in my two weeks notice to hop on a plane to move another country. I started asking God what in the world was going on!  After a lot of prayer and a campus visit in February, I have decided to attend seminary this fall. I have so much to learn about God. Which is pretty clear.

So much for shaking my head at the King of kings and Creator of the world.

Here I am again. Getting ready to do the very thing I refused. I have to ask myself why I keep fighting God on these things. There were periphery issues in both of those situations, but deep down the issue is that my sinful heart wants to control absolutely everything. If God would give me a 5 year plan, I’d be thrilled to follow it to a T.  I have tried so very hard to come up with my own plans, and each time God takes my plans, throws them away, and then he shows me what he’s really up to.  He weaves together a journey more exciting and magnificent than I can imagine.

This past year has been amazing. College girls have shaken my world in more ways than I can imagine in many ways.

I have had to revisit the junk of my own life to share with my girls how God has worked and transformed me.

I have had the honor of teaching girls how to read the Bible and pray. 

I have challenged the mess out of these girls, and most days I’m surprised they still want to be friends with me.  They answer to the challenge, and I get to watch the Holy Spirit at work.

I have seen girls grow. Man oh man, have they grown! God has allowed me to sit by and watch him work in the most wonderful way. 

I have texted more than I thought possible, and then I have picked up the phone to force them to talk to me 

when texting turns into paragraph conversations.

I have cried. A lot. I have cried with girls, I have cried for girls, and I have held back tears as girls have shared their deepest hurts with me. I have cried on the Lord’s couch all alone. I have cried on the Lord’s couch with different girls.  Did I mention that there have been tears???

I have watched these girls go to battle as they face difficulties with friends, family, personal doubts, school and so much more.  I have seen them rise victorious in the name of Christ.

Then I have this honor of praying with them and for them. Something so beautiful happens in prayer.  Our hearts are in tune with our Savior and he begins to work and mold us.  The praying always gets to me as I am humbled to be able to approach the throne and intercede for my little sisters in Christ.

I have learned so much in this time. I will miss this time. This time has reminded me though, that my heart beats for the nations in such a way that I almost go crazy thinking about it.

The time has come for me to go

I hate that I feel like such a nomad. I feel like I’m constantly saying hello and goodbye. I desire a sense of earthly stability, and yet in the midst of all of this my Father keeps calling me forward. I have no idea what this next step will look like. I am only partially aware of the purpose behind this step. My five year plans have yet to work, so here I go. I’m learning to be a little more trusting of the most faithful, high God. I’m learning how much I have to learn. I hope that deep down inside this broken person that he is transforming me to look more like himself because I question if a change is happening in my heart.  Ultimately I hope for more.  I know that this “more” can only be find in the One who is the lover of my soul that redeems me. 

I must go and prepare, so that people can hear.  So that more people can hear his precious name.  So that more people can call on his precious name for salvation and freedom.

I will not leave my job until July, but I love it when girls say, “what will we do without you?”  First, it makes me feel kind of cool and like they love me because I love them so much. Second, it allows me to pose the same question back at them, “what will you do without me?”   Then they answer that they’ll keep reading their Bible, keep praying alone and with one another, and that they’ll disciple new girls.  I guess when we have the Holy Spirit we do not need one another anymore, but instead we are empowered to do his work in the world.  So even though we love and enjoy time with one another, I am certain, and so are they, that they will be just fine without me.

I expect big things out of my girls.  They will change the world, and I believe they will bring glory and honor to their God in the process.  

And I will try, in the meantime, to not make ultimatums to God about what I will and will not do.  My prayer has been for him to soften my heart, so I can listen. 

God also reminded me a couple of months ago some truth that he has repeated through various means:

Don’t you have a saying, ‘It’s still four months until harvest’? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest. Even now the one who reaps draws a wage and harvests a crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together. Thus the saying ‘One sows and another reaps’ is true. I sent you to reap what you have not worked for. Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped the benefits of their labor.”

John 4:35-38

When God first showed this to me I had about 4 months left.  The harvest is now, and I have been blessed to watch a season of growth due to the labor of many before me. I will work until the finish. This is the rich, goodness of my God.

Off to the Bluegrass State I go!

Taryn

A Fight with the Mirror

I wrote this back in the fall after being reminded by my college girls of the intense battle that exists around beauty. I forgot how being surrounded by your peers who aren’t focused on Christ can be exasperating. You never feel like you’re pretty enough. You blame that on reasons why guys don't ask you out, and on and on the battle goes. I wanted to share this specifically with them because we prance around with impressive facades that don’t allow others to see that we too have been on the same battle ground. I became aware of this ability of mine to seem "just fine" while sharing a struggle of mine with a friend from college who commented that she would’ve never thought that I had any doubts about myself. So here’s to vulnerability. I think there's a part of me that was even afraid to admit to any of this in any outward way other than personal conversations. I think my college girls are worth me sharing this (and baring a bit of my soul for that matter) So here it is from this so-called “strong” girl to the girls who feel like they have to be strong, but on the inside are dying for freedom from lies about how they look. I struggle too, but my Savior is greater.

She was frustrating me so badly. Why couldn’t she be more put together? Why is she wearing that? Not to mention she should probably work out more.  I think her eyes would be better if they were a different color. How should she fix her hair today? Why aren’t her lips fuller? Should she whiten her teeth? If only she were taller that outfit would look better. Why can’t she be more like… why can’t she be more like the perfection of airbrushed magazines and models?

Is it too much to ask of her? Why can’t she be perfect? Why can’t she be better? Prettier. Lovelier. More appealing. Maybe if that were the case someone would notice. Can't she just be something? Just something more than what she is.

You may think I'm awful. That I’m the most judgmental girl you’ll ever meet. Hateful. Shameless. Critical. But this was my fight with the mirror. 

I was frustrated with the women looking back at me. Then the tirade happened. The woman in the mirror didn’t feel any better about anything, and she left feeling as though perfection will always be out of reach.

I hate to admit to it. But all too often this happens. I get in a huge fight with the mirror and the reflection looking back at me. It goes a little something like what I’ve already said. Too many times it will go on for longer. A tug here and a pull there at my clothes. Running my hands through my hair one more time to make sure there’s perfection. Why won’t my eyelashes curl? Is my skin too dry? This was NOT this tight on me last week.  Why can’t I be more?

I’m 26 years old and I find myself shocked at times with the obsession I can have over how I look. All of that to say, I don’t even spend hours getting ready in front of the mirror. I’m a get up and go kind of girl, but my argument with the mirror is never out of my reach. It will happen at the strangest times. I’m my worst critic, and I’ll even find myself focusing on and even disliking qualities that a moment before I liked.

I know that inward beauty is the most important. Of the women I respect the most, I can’t recall the color of their eyes, whether or not their teeth were straight, or even if they dressed in style. Oh, but their hearts! I can tell you of their hearts. I will sing their praises for what the Lord has done in their life. The sad thing is that as soon as I put myself in front of the mirror, it’s a different game. It’s me now, and I can shred myself to pieces.

You won’t usually hear me complain about how I look. I for sure would NEVER say anything in front of guys.  So the entire battle can happen without anybody knowing about it. I find that most girls do this to themselves and worse. They resort to eating disorders or trying to compensate in other ways. Plastic surgery. Chemical peels. These things are among the women of my generation as well as women who are getting older. Our culture really does love beauty. Well, the beauty on the outside anyways.

So after talking to the mirror for awhile, I have a choice to make. I have a battle to fight. The battle is not against the one in the mirror but against the lies of Satan. The deception of beauty. The way that the evil one loves to weave lies around us so that we can’t see the beauty of Christ in our hearts. He fabricates these things so that we almost forget that the deception began with him. He’s really good at it. So sometimes I have to stop and tell the woman in the mirror that she is all of those things that she desires. She’s pretty. Lovely.  Appealing.  She’s something. She’s something because she’s a daughter of the King of kings and not because of how she looks on the outside. She can conquer in the midst of the battlefield of lies.  She doesn’t have to go down the destructive road. She can turn and run to God and his love. For she is not something because she’s earned it. She’s something because of God’s grace.

And that’s enough. That’s more than enough. Because at the end of the day when you strip away the airbrushing and perfection of the magazine, it’s all been a lie. You are left with nothing.

One of the few times I’ve ever verbalized these things in front of a guy, I was cropping a picture of myself for my prayer card.  First, he looked at me like I was crazy. I was going over and over again about how maybe my smile was crooked or my eyes looked too squinted. I remember a knot in my throat as I kept feeling so dissatisfied with myself. Then my friend told me if I wasn’t happy with that picture I’d never be happy with any of them. Talk about a gut punch with a side dish of embarrassment. I didn’t even realize I was tearing myself apart. On top of that, he was right.

Women will always find something to complain about. We’re experts at it. It’s our struggle, and it can come and go as quickly as time does. So what do we do? We lean into our Creator who has purified us. We lift one another up with words of affirmation. Then we tell Satan to get behind us, because who really has time to spend fighting with the mirror?

Charm is deceptive, and beauty if fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Proverbs  31:30

Fighting the load of lies,

Taryn