Homemade family videos can be highly
informative about how you were as a child. Were you an angelic little people
pleaser? Were you an uncontrollable heathen? Were you somewhere in between the
two? Only home videos can really tell and allow you to step back in time
to see the reality of who you were.
One day I was watching a home video
with the family and in the video my mom tells me to stop doing something. Being
the defiant little sinner that I was, you can see me shaking me curly haired
pony tail “no” very adamantly. I think they classify this type of child as
“strong willed.” That was me, alright. Praise be to God he got a hold of my
soul, but many times deep down I have these tendencies to shake my head no at
God as though I know what is best for myself. Inside of me is the same 3 year
old who wants to do what she wants to do without any consideration of what is
good, right, or maybe even helpful for me.
In a 12 month period, I have told
God “no” to three different things. I am now eating my words on each and
every one of them.
October 2011- “God, I refuse to work
for a church. And I refuse to move back to Fayetteville.”
Guess what I was doing 8 months
later?
October 2012- “I REFUSE to go to
seminary. I just won’t do it.” (imagine very strong head shaking on this one)
Late December 2012 hits, and there
was something weird going on in my mind about seminary. I was considering it sincerely for the first
time in my entire life. Then my boss, Stephen, goes and tells all students one
Sunday morning at the beginning of the semester how my time working for the
church is open-ended, so God can move me as he chooses. Up until this
point the running joke had been about me turning in my two weeks notice to hop
on a plane to move another country. I started asking God what in the world was
going on! After a lot of prayer and a campus visit in February, I have
decided to attend seminary this fall. I have so much to learn about God. Which
is pretty clear.
So much for shaking my head at the
King of kings and Creator of the world.
Here I am again. Getting ready to do
the very thing I refused. I have to ask myself why I keep fighting God on these
things. There were periphery issues in both of those situations, but deep down
the issue is that my sinful heart wants to control absolutely everything. If
God would give me a 5 year plan, I’d be thrilled to follow it to a T. I
have tried so very hard to come up with my own plans, and each time God takes
my plans, throws them away, and then he shows me what he’s really up to.
He weaves together a journey more exciting and magnificent than I can imagine.
This past year has been amazing.
College girls have shaken my world in more ways than I can imagine in many
ways.
I have had to revisit the junk of my
own life to share with my girls how God has worked and transformed me.
I have had the honor of teaching
girls how to read the Bible and pray.
I have challenged the mess out of
these girls, and most days I’m surprised they still want to be friends with me.
They answer to the challenge, and I get to watch the Holy Spirit at work.
I have seen girls grow. Man oh man,
have they grown! God has allowed me to sit by and watch him work in the most
wonderful way.
I have texted more than I thought
possible, and then I have picked up the phone to force them to talk to me
when
texting turns into paragraph conversations.
I have cried. A lot. I have cried
with girls, I have cried for girls, and I have held back tears as girls have
shared their deepest hurts with me. I have cried on the Lord’s couch all alone.
I have cried on the Lord’s couch with different girls. Did I mention that
there have been tears???
I have watched these girls go to
battle as they face difficulties with friends, family, personal doubts, school
and so much more. I have seen them rise victorious in the name of Christ.
Then I have this honor of praying
with them and for them. Something so beautiful happens in prayer. Our
hearts are in tune with our Savior and he begins to work and mold us. The
praying always gets to me as I am humbled to be able to approach the throne and
intercede for my little sisters in Christ.
I have learned so much in this time.
I will miss this time. This time has reminded me though, that my heart beats
for the nations in such a way that I almost go crazy thinking about it.
The time has come for me to go
I hate that I feel like such a
nomad. I feel like I’m constantly saying hello and goodbye. I desire a sense of
earthly stability, and yet in the midst of all of this my Father keeps calling
me forward. I have no idea what this next step will look like. I am only
partially aware of the purpose behind this step. My five year plans have yet to
work, so here I go. I’m learning to be a little more trusting of the most
faithful, high God. I’m learning how much I have to learn. I hope that deep
down inside this broken person that he is transforming me to look more like
himself because I question if a change is happening in my heart.
Ultimately I hope for more. I know that this “more” can only be find in
the One who is the lover of my soul that redeems me.
I must go and prepare, so that
people can hear. So that more people can hear his precious name. So
that more people can call on his precious name for salvation and freedom.
I will not leave my job until July,
but I love it when girls say, “what will we do without you?” First, it
makes me feel kind of cool and like they love me because I love them so much.
Second, it allows me to pose the same question back at them, “what will you do
without me?” Then they answer that they’ll keep reading their Bible,
keep praying alone and with one another, and that they’ll disciple new
girls. I guess when we have the Holy Spirit we do not need one another
anymore, but instead we are empowered to do his work in the world. So
even though we love and enjoy time with one another, I am certain, and so are
they, that they will be just fine without me.
I expect big things out of my
girls. They will change the world, and I believe they will bring glory
and honor to their God in the process.
And I will try, in the meantime, to
not make ultimatums to God about what I will and will not do. My prayer
has been for him to soften my heart, so I can listen.
God also reminded me a couple of
months ago some truth that he has repeated through various means:
Don’t you have a saying, ‘It’s still
four months until harvest’? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields!
They are ripe for harvest. Even now the one who reaps draws a wage and harvests
a crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together.
Thus the saying ‘One sows and another reaps’ is true. I sent you to reap what
you have not worked for. Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped
the benefits of their labor.”
John 4:35-38
When God first showed this to me I
had about 4 months left. The harvest is now, and I have been blessed to
watch a season of growth due to the labor of many before me. I will work until
the finish. This is the rich, goodness of my God.
Off to the Bluegrass State I go!
Taryn
