I've consistently had check points that prove to me my limitations that doctors and therapists have now concluded and finally admitted are permanent. This is what five years after significant injury gives you. It gives you pain and does not promise anything more or better. If anything it reminds you that you will tear down and become worse. People say they want to die with their bodies used up from living life, and I'd like to remark that I'm well on my way. It's frustrating. It's exhausting. It's a trial. Maybe a smaller trial than the ones others experience but a trial nonetheless.
This is life.
But...
And this will be rich. The big question in all of this pain and suffering is whether or not it's for the gospel. Because if my body is falling apart and my flesh returns to dust, and the gospel has not been shared then it is all hopeless. The pain is useless and futile. The trial has been wasted. I must remember that on days when I reflect on the past five years of frustrations and sadness. I must remember to be thankful especially when it's hard and I don't want to be thankful. People are quick to offer their boxed up answer for why with a bow tied on top. That's just not good enough for me. Also many times it is not in line with the teachings of the Bible. Nonetheless the Lord spared me five years ago and when I hear of similar accidents that do not end so well, I must ask myself why this portion for them and that portion for me. Why I live and why they die. Why some walk away completely unharmed while I remain broken. The unending questions. The lies that can easily creep into my heart.
This situation of being spared cannot be because I am special. I am not putting myself down, however, I am clarifying that I am a normal person with no extraordinary talents. The sparing of my life cannot be because I am good. I can tell you for certain that I am not, and I lack in every fiber of my being the ability to be good. Also my being injured is not from me being bad even though I am bad. This was not some sort of punishment upon me. So that leaves us with one thing. The one thing left is that the Lord alone has my days numbered and chooses who and what can or cannot touch me, and five years ago wasn't the day for me to go to heaven but it was the day for me to enter into suffering. There's nothing more and nothing less to calculate in the equation. We will all die. We will all suffer. But life is this gift that he gives us. He sustains us with his very breath. Our responsibility with this breath is up to us. We can turn to him in the mess of this damaged life and praise him. Or we can turn away. I pray that my heart never becomes hardened throughout the pain. I pray it becomes soft. I pray that the gospel that Jesus has come to redeem sinners from this world is proclaimed from my lips. I pray that sinners would repent and turn to him. May this be my message until my Father takes away my last breath in this life.
This past month I had two very different but insightful dreams. Don't get worried that I'm about to get weird on you. Just hang with me for a bit. My first dream was full of light, and I felt safe and free for the first time in awhile. I was walking with someone I knew, but didn't know. You know how dreams work and are weird like this. I was being escorted into a room surrounded by glass with light brightly streaming in on my face. A sea of faces of unknown people on the outside of the glass room stood around to watch me expectantly. A gift was waiting for me. They all knew what it was, and I began to realize what was before me. It was a gift of something I very much wanted. I sat down to receive this precious gift astounded and amazed. This was the working of the Lord. As it was revealed to me I bowed my head and lifted my hands in the air to give glory to God. I knew that only he could give this to me, and I was finally receiving it. My only response was to adore the one who gives. Everything around me, including the gift, became secondary to worshipping him. My heart was pierced. My Lord heard my cries and answered my soul after so long. I felt free.
A few weeks later I had a very different dream. This dream was dark. I was not sure where I was, but I felt cold and alone. Soon people surrounded me that I quickly identified and knew. Faces from my present and my past. Friends and foes. I was talking with these people and accusations were quickly coming to the surface. They knew the depths of my dark sins and were bringing them up and discussing them with one another while reminding me of my wrongdoing. There was no longer a distinction between who was for me and who was against me. Before all I was wrong. I felt ashamed. I felt guilty. I had no answer for them because I knew what they were saying of me was true. I was rightfully culpable of the charges stacking up against me. They were disappointed in me, and I was devastated. Where could I go? How could I escape? Everything remained bleak and empty except for the condemnation on their faces. I finally went into a dark corner and got on my knees. My heart was so heavy and all I could do was lift my hands and pray. I stood guilty before the Lord with a broken heart, but I knew he was the only safe place I could turn. Without him I remained hopeless. My heart was pierced. God felt far away and yet he was the only answer. I felt bondage.
Both of these dreams strongly affected me for days. I'm not mystical when it comes to dreams, and yet I think these dreams reflect something deep in my soul. I hope they truly reflect that I have learned to praise God in the good and in the bad. I pray that my response in real life is like my response in these dreams. Whether God gives or takes away, I want to bless his name. It's hard, right? At times you get exactly what you want and then the next time you look up it's all been stripped away. How can this be? What is the point?
When we look at scripture all things point to his glory. The story of Job, the testing of Peter, and the trials of all the disciples profess a profound story in which God is making himself known to his people, and brokenness is a beautiful thing. The one thing I know is that God's glory is on display in a greater way through trials. I am not sure why it works this way, but I rest knowing that God is trustworthy. I rest knowing that one day this world will fade away. My challenge to you is to consider is whether or not the trials of this world will consume you and if you'll fade away along with this world. The only way not to disappear into the darkness is through Christ. He is the only one who can make you pure and blameless.
November 22, tomorrow, marks five years ago that began a season of darkness and trials and thorns. I think we all experience these things, but we do not give into them. In light of this I cling to the words of Paul inspired by the Holy Spirit:
So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12: 7-10
Do you believe God's grace is sufficient? Do I? I pray that at the end of my life the Lord will be blessed by his servant Taryn. I look forward to him wiping the tears away from my face while I enter into his peace and rest. I will spend all of eternity worshipping him. And I'm planning on taking a few laps around the new heavens and earth running as fast as I can for his glory. Sound silly? I didn't think so either.
Praising the One True God today,
Taryn
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