A Loose Grip

Brook and I are FINALLY getting to travel. We will be leaving Tuesday the 10th for Valencia in the south of Spain. We will try to contact organizations, churches, and do street interviews to better understand the realities for immigrants in this city. We also want to know more about how many churches reach out to Latin Americans. Please pray for our time there (22 days living out of a suitcase!) and that we will be able to communicate clearly. God has been teaching me a lot lately about the dreams I have in this life. Before all the events of November, I had big dreams of going above and beyond in my job. I didn't know what exactly that would be, but I knew that's what I wanted to do. I had this unrealistic expectation that I wanted to be Super Taryn. I am learning that God never wanted Super Taryn for this job. He wanted broken Taryn.

With that, I am learning what it means to have a loose grip on the things I call my dreams. There are many things that I believe God has truly placed on my heart. For instance I knew since 13 months ago that this was the job I was called to. Some dreams I have for the future include adopting kids from different parts of the world (I love the idea of having a household that reflects what we'll encounter in eternity), and there's a specific location that I feel called to for the future to serve. But even these dreams, as good and well as they are in life, cannot be priorities in my life. The thing that always must be first is my love for the Father. I had big dreams of coming to Spain at full force. I had big dreams of engaging with people and interacting all the time with them. Instead those big dreams have had to change to doing the work I can to the best of my ability now. No above and beyond for me, in my opinion. I hate that. I hate limitations, and I hate giving up what my dreams and expectations were. I hate that instead of going full speed, I am barely making it to average speed most days. Even then I have to pace myself. I expect more out of myself. I expect to be 100% even though every doctor I have encountered tells me that this isn't a possibility in recovery at this time from what I've been through.

Shattered, broken dreams. Expectations crushed and ruined. Doubts, confusion, and frustration. I've had to ask myself lately if my dreams have gotten in the way of the One I love. I've had to step back and ask if I've loved my dreams more than the Lord. He challenges me to keep a loose grip on my dreams. He calls forward in loving and serving Him in the midst of trials. The point isn't fulfilling my dreams. Like I said, those are things that I strongly believe God has called me to do, but what if they don't happen? What if God doesn't allow for me to adopt children from all over the world? What if I never get to move to this one particular country that has a hold of my heart? Am I okay with that? How tight is my grip on my dreams? I do not want to forget my first love and the Creator of these dreams. I just have to keep reminding myself to keep a loose grip on my dreams. The Lord gives and takes away, but I must follow no matter what. I have to remember how deeply He loves me. I have to remember He hurts with me. He feels every beat of my heart. He knows my deepest fears. He intimately understands what makes me tick or what interest me. He knows me. I can trust Him. I can have a loose grip on my dreams because no matter what, the Lord has my best interest at heart. I let go of these dreams, but He's the one who decides what He does with them and how He uses them to stretch and grow me.

Growing isn't fun. I sure hope that I've been growing through all of this. I would hate for this to all be for nothing and for me to not grow so close to the Father during this time. I would challenge you to examine yourself and look at the things or dreams you have grasped in your hands. Are you willing to loosen the grip and trust whatever it is to God? We can give it all to Him, if only we'd let go.

Keeping a loose grip,
Taryn