As Pain Draws Near

Have you ever wanted to hit something because you were upset? I mean like really, really hit something? I mean, as not nice as this sounds, I have wanted to! (I'm not saying hit someone... even though some people may have felt that as well) Some people may be afraid to admit this if they have indeed felt this feeling. What feeling? One many of us may be all too familiar with, Anger. Anger is a feeling we tend to shy away from. We don't like being angry or feeling the wrath of someone who is. It is an emotion that even the Bible cautions us about, telling us to not sin in our anger.


Anger. An emotion that I have felt many times this year. An emotion that brings me to tears when I'm so upset. It has power, and often times it's not a good sort of power, especially when we lose control and let anger take over. It a beast to control and once you lose the control it's nearly impossible to reign it back in.

Last week I was sitting on my bed so angry not even realizing that tears were streaming down my face. I quickly wiped them away trying to pretend they weren't there. Deep pain had found me again. I thought I had lost it along the way, but I was wrong. My knees were throbbing and a deep bone pain ached through my lower legs. How could this be happening? I thought this was over. I thought I was so much better. I thought THIS type of pain was long gone. But here it was. And it made me angry.


There's a sense of disappointment that surrounds me when I don't feel as good as I think I should. A disappointment that I can't run still. Or even more of a frustration when I discover something random that I can no longer do. Granted healing is still in process, but it's so frustrating. It's so defeating. I know people say, "look where you've come from!" but then that makes me angry sometimes too. It just makes me think about how awful this experience has been. It also overwhelms me knowing it's much worse for others.

As pain draws near I catch myself doubting God and being angry with Him. The ugliness of my heart is revealed. I see how fallen I am. I see the darkness that others do not see. The heart of someone who doesn't have faith as they should. Someone who doesn't completely trust God. A doubter. Really, just a sinner.

So then I have to repent a million times. Ask for God's forgiveness. Remember I'm not the only one. But it's so hard. It's so hard when people ask how I am. I almost feel guilty admitting that I still have pain. Admitting that walking is still hard. Stairs still are a challenge. All of these things have definitely improved, but so much about my body has changed. It's so hard to explain, but it's where I am.


This is where we grow. This is where I grow. I grow through the pain. I learn better how to approach the throne of God. How to run to Him asking for help instead of blaming him for everything. I learn to humbly ask for prayers. It hurts. It's painful in more ways than one. But I can either choose to draw near to God as pain visits me, or I can choose to get angry at Him and close myself off.

This walk isn't easy. Along the way I hope I'm figuring out some of life. Mostly I just hope that despite my dark heart, I am somehow looking more and more like Christ every day. So he uses the broken, weak vessels that we are for his Kingdom. So here I am. Just doing one step at a time because it's all I can do physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Thanks for letting me share my struggles and for the prayers you pray on my behalf.



In Him,

Taryn