When I'm Too Tired to Walk, I'll Run

I looked around and couldn't help but smile. I absolutely love fall and felt that this year the leaves were changing into their beautiful colors just for me. The gold, crimson, and burnt colored leaves scattered throughout the trees never cease to take my breath away. When I went to school at TCU my freshman year of college, the fact that the leaves didn't change colors in Ft. Worth was the last straw. I even remember crying on the telephone with my mom over this (a little dramatic, maybe, but it was a tough start for me!). I love fall in Arkansas that much! But this year was different. God knew I wouldn't have the fall next year because I'd be in Spain. And who knows if the leaves change colors there or even if their beauty could touch the majesty of fall in Virginia. I couldn't help but feel such an intimacy with God over how beautifully He had orchestrated fall this year and how it deeply touched me and brought joy.

I was pondering all of this on a run one afternoon while I was at training in Virginia last year. I felt like so many things about me were different, especially the mere fact that I was running. As I soaked in the beauty of the leaves and felt like God was speaking to my heart, I questioned why I was even running. If you know anything about me, you'd know that I hate running. With a passion. For some reason, though, I had started. My mom's best friend, Myra, had been doing interval running, so I had decided to give it a shot. I recruited another girl that disliked running (who wants to run with someone who is fast and loves running??) and during my training I ran consistently 5-6 times a week. A miracle in and of itself that'd I'd run. I'd run alone or with friends, but I'd always warn them how slow I was. I even ran with Stephanie, who was pregnant, and I'm a little embarrassed to say she was way faster than me! I ran nonetheless and on this day I couldn't help to wonder why.

Like many people exercising is a tough discipline to conquer. I'm one of those people, but last year I felt like I just had to get ready for something. I was getting ready for Europe. Over and over in my head I would question why I was doing the very activity I hated the most and would remind myself I was doing it for the immigrants in Europe. I was doing it so that I could be a trailblazer. The job description read that a trailblazer must be able to walk long distances and share short, effective testimonies. I kept that in my mind, pushed aside my questions of why I would be doing the very thing I hate and thanked the Lord for giving me the drive to run. Little did I know I was running for other reasons.

About 10 1/2 months ago I had my accident that broke both of my legs and my jaw, along with several other broken bones and complications. Those weeks of running were spent getting me ready to be broken in a way I could never imagine. Over and over again in the hospital I would tell everyone I'd be okay because I had been running. Quite the optimist at the time! (I think the Holy Spirit and maybe even some medicine helped me) My legs are strong legs, and they were even stronger from the running. They had to be because of the long, tough road ahead.

I have really gone rounds with God over this one. I feel anger and frustration about having the desire to run just to be broken. I still feel anger and frustration that with every step I feel the effects of my injuries that at this point I thought would be a lost memory. Chronic pain and discomfort are too familiar, and when it really gets to me I can't help but ask why. I then sometimes feel guilty because so many other people experience more pain or receive the news that they'll never run again much less walk. These thoughts humble me, but sometimes it's not enough to silence the doubts in my head.

I've been thinking alot about this lately as I've started up some therapy. The therapy is massages along with electrodes placed on my legs. All of this helps the muscles heal. The pain of this therapy is awful, and last night as I left I felt nauseous from the pain and had a horrible headache all night. During a leg massage I even thought "if child birth is pain like this, I'm taking a lot of medicine or adopting all my kids." (dramatic? you try having therapy) So last year I was running for this? Last year I was preparing for this?

From the beginning of this accident, it was evident that this was a spiritual attack. The very things that I needed to use, my mouth and legs, were broken. I had even declared a battle against Satan the week before (please refer to blog "A Declaration of War" from January). I believe Satan asked God to sift me, and God has allowed him to do just that. All of this is so hard to understand, and I don't like it one bit. I don't think we have to "enjoy" the siftings in our lives or the times where God is growing us. But I do believe we don't just quit. By this I mean we don't just shut God out completely. I've learned to be honest with God, since He knows how I'm feeling anyways. I've learned that there's not an emotion of mine he can't handle, so I just keep telling Him how I feel. I feel disappointed. I feel angry. I feel constant pain. I feel sadness. I just feel alot (maybe because I'm a girl, who knows!) The important thing is I let Him into those things, so He can modify and work in me. I need to be more like Him, so by opening up my heart the Spirit moves.

I can feel when the Spirit is at work. That's when I feel hope and bits of restoration. At very sporadic times there are these moments when I know you are praying. My world slows down for a few seconds and the pain stops. I'll be walking, and I can feel the prayers surround me when a few seconds earlier the pain was about to overwhelm me. The Father is at work here. If anything He keeps changing my heart and humbling me.

There are days where my body is so tired that I don't think I can walk anymore. So I've decided when I'm too tired to walk, I'll run. I'll run to Him. I'll cry to Him. I'll let Him hold me in the midst of my pain. He refreshes my spirit and calls me to move forward through this. I feel like I am too aware of how fallen this world is and how this life is not what we were made for. I feel this throughout my body, and my heart aches for eternity. The other side of this is that there are people out there who don't know about this eternity, and they deserve a chance to hear that through Christ alone they too can experience eternity and restoration. So I must remain here. I must live in this broken body until God takes me home or Christ returns. I must proclaim Him as King of kings because there really is no other like Him. I refuse to give up, even though I've thought about it. I refuse to quit praising Him, even though I've been so angry. I don't want the enemy to receive any glory. And I'll run to my Father even though I'm still figuring out how to walk. Maybe God has wanted me to run to Him for a long time, but because I hated running, He had to teach me how. Now I know how, so I'll run.

In Him,
Taryn