It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To

You know the oldies song, right? Well you may have not recently received an invite to a party I recently had or even knew that it had happened. I didn't want to invite anyone, really. It was better to bask in my misery alone. A pity party. Ever been to one? They are so easy to have because all you need is yourself to have it.

The past week or more my legs have really, really been bothering me again. Sharp pain is consistent and rolls like waves through my legs. It's finally beautiful outside and Spaniards emerged from hibernation to enjoy the outdoor cafes and enjoy time with friends or family. I have had to force myself to stay inside and rest with my legs elevated while watching the day pass by. My legs have just hurt too much, and I don't want to do anything to hurt them worse. As soon as I think I can do more, walk more, try getting into an exercise routine, they flare up. Not that they've ever completely stopped hurting; the pain has just increased recently.

So I was here in Madrid, Spain in my apartment having one big ole pity party. Since I couldn't go outside, I would do what I could for festivities inside. It mostly included alot of crying, questioning of God, and asking God what in the world he was thinking by allowing me to be in this condition to where I can't be out doing his work. Isn't that why I'm here? Isn't that why I bent over backwards coming to Spain as fast as I could? The reality is I could've stayed at home for a very long time recuperating, but instead I talked everyone, including myself, into allowing me to go on to Spain almost a year ago. What was the purpose in getting worse again? Wasn't I improving? It has felt like 100 steps backwards for me.

So I cried and cried and cried. Harder than I had in awhile. Not that crying over the past year and a half has been unfamiliar to me. I cried over my inability to serve. My lack of faith and anger towards God. How I must not be that great of a follower if I couldn't see the purpose in this situation. I cried over my doubts about whether or not the people I've shared with here will accept the truth. And then I cried some more over figuring out what my next step will be when I go home in October. Quite the party, eh? It was an explosion of any and every thought and emotion. These are things I've been thinking on and praying over for a long time and it all erupted at my pity party.

I even questioned God about what was next. I know what he's calling me to in the future. I know it will cost me and the ones I love everything. Why is he asking this of me? What in the heck in I going to do in the meantime until these things can come to pass? It's a reluctant submission on my part instead of a wholehearted desire to follow. I tell you what... it was some kind of party to be at. Where you just dig deeper and deeper into your sorrows, doubts and worries.

The only person I invited for a little while was my mom. Like what she does so many times, she listened to me. Gave me good advice and encouraged me. So many times she has told me she wishes she could take my place and take my pain. I would never allow or want someone to carry this pain. But even after talking with one of the people I love the most in this world, I couldn't snap out of it.

I'm sure many of you can relate. You can relate to feeling overwhelmed by life. You can't hear the voice of God even though you are crying out, and all you desire is just some sort of acknowledgement from him that he's there and listening. You wonder if the fire you've walked through or are walking through is really refining you or if the fire has left you faithless,embittered, or burned away to nothing. My party slowly came to an end of my asking for forgiveness and reluctantly accepting things as they were. I have to rest my body, and there is nothing more I can do about it for now. I have to continue to set strong boundaries for myself to protect my health. Man, I hate boundaries.

Brook came home later on. And then she called Brook. Our friend that I've talked about before. She called asking if she could stay the night with us. Of course she was invited to. She buzzed our door downstairs and we waited and waited until she finally came up. She apologized saying her boyfriend had called. She lied to him saying she was staying with her aunts. He keeps a pretty tight watch on where she is and who she's with. She confirmed this when I asked her why she had to lie. She then explained that he's just worried about her well being. Doesn't want her with dangerous people. Uh huh, sure. Control and possessiveness.

She initially seemed nervous then finally relaxed saying, "I'm free! It's so nice to not be at my house or at work. That's all I ever do! Home, then work. Sometimes I see my aunts." I could see the desperation. We asked her if she wanted some water and brought her some. There were bubbles on the inside of the glass, and she commented that there was bad luck in our apartment. She thought we needed the evil eye to protect us. I told her no and Brook quickly explained that God was our protector. We don't need an evil eye to ward off bad spirits. She quickly agreed, making me think she wanted to appease us.

Throughout the evening we shared truth with her. We talked about relationships and how they are work. We talked about guys and what it means to see or have love with another person on this earth. We talked about true love. The only love that lasts. God's love. The love of Christ is enough to fill us no matter what is going on in our lives. She listened, but I'm not sure how much sunk in. We watched some youtube videos of people falling at weddings and babies doing funny things. The three of us laughed and laughed because it's hard not to laugh at these absurd videos. She then told us she couldn't remember the last time she laughed like that while asking to watch some of the videos over and over again.

The next day she commented on how she slept wonderfully that night. She couldn't remember a time sleeping so peacefully. Brook told her it was because our apartment was a place of peace. She agreed with Brook. Brook and I, however, didn't sleep very well that night. I prayed alot and prayed for her to feel peace in our midst. Brook said she woke up everytime she heard our friend move around in her sleep. I think she slept well because while she slumbered, Brook and I kept waking up to wage war. A spiritual battle in prayer over our friend. A war was being fought around her and we knew it, but I'm not sure if she did. She's a prisoner to her life decisions right now. We aren't sure how serious she is about getting out of this way of life, but Brook and I pray for her soul and pray that she sees a way out. The best thing might be for her to return to South America with her family, but we don't know the reality of that. Pray for this friend. Pray that Brook and I can continue to be lights to her in the darkness of this world.

So I started and ended my pity party by myself. And later that night the Lord redeemed me by bringing me and Brook someone we could love on and minister to. I may still have pain and still be facing the difficulties of injuries from an accident that I'm not sure why happened. But despite all of that God is still allowing me to be used. Even when I can't leave my apartment he brings someone to me I can share truth with. Please pray for me to keep my chin up, but most importantly ask the Lord to reveal himself to our friend. That she may know true freedom in the blood of Christ.

Walking with a limp, but still going,
Taryn