As Pain Draws Near

Have you ever wanted to hit something because you were upset? I mean like really, really hit something? I mean, as not nice as this sounds, I have wanted to! (I'm not saying hit someone... even though some people may have felt that as well) Some people may be afraid to admit this if they have indeed felt this feeling. What feeling? One many of us may be all too familiar with, Anger. Anger is a feeling we tend to shy away from. We don't like being angry or feeling the wrath of someone who is. It is an emotion that even the Bible cautions us about, telling us to not sin in our anger.


Anger. An emotion that I have felt many times this year. An emotion that brings me to tears when I'm so upset. It has power, and often times it's not a good sort of power, especially when we lose control and let anger take over. It a beast to control and once you lose the control it's nearly impossible to reign it back in.

Last week I was sitting on my bed so angry not even realizing that tears were streaming down my face. I quickly wiped them away trying to pretend they weren't there. Deep pain had found me again. I thought I had lost it along the way, but I was wrong. My knees were throbbing and a deep bone pain ached through my lower legs. How could this be happening? I thought this was over. I thought I was so much better. I thought THIS type of pain was long gone. But here it was. And it made me angry.


There's a sense of disappointment that surrounds me when I don't feel as good as I think I should. A disappointment that I can't run still. Or even more of a frustration when I discover something random that I can no longer do. Granted healing is still in process, but it's so frustrating. It's so defeating. I know people say, "look where you've come from!" but then that makes me angry sometimes too. It just makes me think about how awful this experience has been. It also overwhelms me knowing it's much worse for others.

As pain draws near I catch myself doubting God and being angry with Him. The ugliness of my heart is revealed. I see how fallen I am. I see the darkness that others do not see. The heart of someone who doesn't have faith as they should. Someone who doesn't completely trust God. A doubter. Really, just a sinner.

So then I have to repent a million times. Ask for God's forgiveness. Remember I'm not the only one. But it's so hard. It's so hard when people ask how I am. I almost feel guilty admitting that I still have pain. Admitting that walking is still hard. Stairs still are a challenge. All of these things have definitely improved, but so much about my body has changed. It's so hard to explain, but it's where I am.


This is where we grow. This is where I grow. I grow through the pain. I learn better how to approach the throne of God. How to run to Him asking for help instead of blaming him for everything. I learn to humbly ask for prayers. It hurts. It's painful in more ways than one. But I can either choose to draw near to God as pain visits me, or I can choose to get angry at Him and close myself off.

This walk isn't easy. Along the way I hope I'm figuring out some of life. Mostly I just hope that despite my dark heart, I am somehow looking more and more like Christ every day. So he uses the broken, weak vessels that we are for his Kingdom. So here I am. Just doing one step at a time because it's all I can do physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Thanks for letting me share my struggles and for the prayers you pray on my behalf.



In Him,

Taryn

January Update

Me at Plaza Mayor with the Christmas lights!

Looking Forward

Celebrating Christmas in Madrid was enjoyable for me even though I was away from home this year. Amazingly enough you survive the holidays being away from family! A huge blessing was that a fellow journeyman that’s in Mexico came and visited me. I have known Pat since my interview, so it was great to see her and spend some time with each other.

In the midst of cool, wet weather Brook and I won’t be doing our travel to Germany and Italy until the spring. We are now looking for the next few months at focusing on the dynamics of Latinos attending universities here in Madrid.

I am hoping that through this some more relationships can be made with people my age and maybe my team will have a better understanding of whether or not university focus will be needed in the future.

This is an important situation to understand since it seems so many people from Central and South America are here studying.

One thing that’s exciting is that some of these Latino students are believers, so hopefully there will be opportunities to encourage discipleship among them and even Bible studies. I’m still not sure how all of this will work, but hopefully there will be chances to observe classes as a means to meet people.

It doesn’t seem possible that I’ve been here since April and then in October I’ll be coming home! Time is definitely flying. Please pray that I use my time wisely and that I continue to have divine appointments with people here who are seeking truth. Please pray for this work to not be in vain, but for some strong seeds to be planted.

Little Pilgrim

This month, specifically the 7th, marked one year since I started walking again. These anniversaries continue to remind me of how blessed I am by God and that he has continued to sustain me through this all.

My dad after the accident kept calling me little pilgrim. I would say that’s a fairly appropriate name because this past year has been quite a journey and continues to be. We are called to walk righteously no matter our circumstances and the trials we encounter. We are also called to called these trials “pure joy” as the Bible puts it.

My journey is continually blessed by you and your prayers. The unseen battle is so important . Here in Spain Satan hides so easily because overt spiritual warfare isn’t as easily detected as it is in other countries. Pray for this pilgrim and the thousands of others around the globe. We are carrying an important message. Please pray that we can deliver this message throughout this journey.

Often times when I spend time with people I am urged to pray before and after because there is such an apathy towards God or religion here. Please pray with me that there is a deep stirring in the hearts of the people I meet.

I want to say a special thanks to anyone who donated to the Lottie Moon Christmas offering. I am the one you sponsor to be here, and I cannot tell you how much it means for me to be able to be here doing what God has called me to. You all continue to challenge me by your giving and bless me!


Prayer Request:

Legs to heal

Bible studies starting up after the holidays

For more relationships with Latinos in the coming months before Brook and I go on trips to Italy and Germany in the spring

For my friend in another country

Praises

Continued therapy

Continued relationship building

Successful holiday season away from home!

Please let me know your prayer requests or say hello… seriously!


In Him,
Taryn

I Put My Head Down and Cried

I couldn't help it. Often times I can't stop myself. So I put my head down and cried. I was in the midst of eating lunch today, and I couldn't hold it in any longer. This has also been a regular occurrence as I ride the bus or metro. My thoughts catch up with me and the reality sets it. What reality you may ask?

Recently I have been reading a book called "Safely Home" by Randy Alcorn. This book discusses persecution of Christians in one particular country. It makes my heart so heavy, I cannot even describe it. My heart is heavy not because these people are believers, but it is heavy for the ones who won't get to hear the truth because of where they live. In the land of the free and the home of the brave, we don't encounter this type of persecution. Meeting in the middle of the night for church. Not owning a Bible. Fear and knowing that just by saying you follow Jesus it could end your life. We know nothing of this.

What overwhelms me even more is that I live somewhere where the Gospel can be shared, but people's hearts are so hard. I pray and pray pleading for God to soften the hearts of those around me. Someone will catch my eye and I am urged to pray for them. I think of my friends around the world who are in difficult areas, and my heart aches for them and the people they are sharing truth with. Let our hearts be burdened for the lost and let us intercede.

With the tears that fall, I pray that there is equal action on my part. Action of sharing boldly. Action of praying. Action of giving so that more people can be sent to the nations. I have several people in my heart right now that I DEEPLY desire to see in eternity. Their faces play like a filmstrip in my head over and over again. It hurts to imagine that they may not be there even if I tell them the truth. Free will. We get to choose and follow Christ. Or we get to reject him and go our own way.

I have friends and family who do not believe as I believe. I know there are nations upon nations that believe Christianity is only a Western religion. Because of the misconceptions I pray that these barriers come down. Not that people believe as I believe because I'm not the point, but that they follow Christ. If you don't know what you believe and are looking for answers... seek them out. Look at books from those who at one time did not believe in Christ. Their journeys are fascinating as God gently (or sometimes more firmly) leads them to him. There is a God. He loves us. We just have to choose him. In parts of the world where we can choose whatever we want, I hope you choose to at least consider the options.

As for those in parts of the world that do not get to choose whatever they want, pray for revelations from God to rain down on the people. That his word spreads and cannot be stopped. That lives are saved and changed. How amazing will it be to hug brothers and sisters in Christ that we never knew by name this side of heaven, but that we interceded for?

I have a friend here whose parents are serving in East Asia. Her parents recently went to the funeral of a man who was a new believer and follower of Jesus. He was the first man of that entire village to enter into eternity into the arms of Christ. Let us rejoice in this. Let this sober us and put us into action to realize that there are so many places that have yet to hear. I pray not that my tears cease, but that they continue so that this fire in me to share about my Christ never stops. I pray for a deep movement in your souls as well. Let us not celebrate Christmas unless we know why we are celebrating it.

In Him,
Taryn

December Update

Out for an evening of Christmas lights around Plaza del Sol!


Doesn't Seem Fair

Lately my heart has been heavy for the lost before me. My heart aches as I realize not only are there many people who are lost, but no one is going and telling them they are lost. For this reason it just doesn’t seem fair for us to celebrate Christmas without thought about those who do not celebrate this holiday.

I’m not talking about the gifts, the Christmas tree, lights, or stockings. I’m talking about a celebration that we are no longer slaves to our sin. The King of kings was born as our Emmanuel and gave us the only way to escape death.

Here are some sobering facts that I recently heard at a meeting I had. The population of the Americas alone is 557,438,591. Of this population 63,381,911 are evangelized. That makes 11.37% evangelized but this includes those who still practice their faith with some syncretism.

In the Americas alone there are 1,025 people groups. People groups are defined by culture, language, and location among some other factors. This is not merely nationality. The number of unreached people groups is 690. The unreached, unengaged people groups is 462. The unreached, unengaged, uncontacted people groups is 38. I hate to tell you, but the numbers among the Americas peoples are a lot better than the ones of other areas of the world.

That’s a lot of people not celebrating the birth of my Savior. That’s a lot of people who don’t know who Christ is and how he can change their lives.

Doesn’t seem fair when my eternity is certain, and theirs is yet to be determined. Let us be proactive. Let us consider opportunities such as the Lottie Moon Christmas offering. This allows for missionaries to be sent all over the world proclaiming truth. Please pray how God would have you be involved in missions. If you have any questions about Lottie Moon please ask me! Your contribution through this offering allows me to be here.

A Daughter of the King

Recently I made a friend. I was around her for one evening, but she has impacted me for a lifetime. She is brilliant, full of life, and hungry for freedom. She is from a part of the world where freedom isn’t available whenever you want it. She doesn’t want to remain there, but she has no choice.

In this country, the Gospel is not welcomed. My friends and I were able to share with her about the Bible in a short time, but my heart aches and I pray for her often because she had to leave and return to her home.

She is seeking out God, but has yet to seek out Christ. I ask God so many times, “Who will go and tell her? Who will follow up and continue intentional conversations about your Son?”

It would be crazy indeed to go to this country as a Christian. But my heart says it would be crazy to deny someone who is a daughter of the King. How can I deny her access to Truth? How can I tell her she doesn’t get to hear about the One we serve? The One who has given us freedom!

When we put it like that, it changes things. You see, it is evident that God is working in her life. I felt, along with my friends, that God’s hand is in her life , and he is moving. Pray for my friend with me. Pray that she becomes of daughter of the King and a follower of Christ. I hope I get to see her again in this world, but I hope even more to embrace her in eternity and to call her sister.

Pray that somehow Truth comes to her. Pray that someone can share more with her.

Prayer Requests

Leg pain– it really is minimal, but walking makes them hurt and with the cooler weather they ache quite a bit more

Julie and Gary Clifton as they go on their stateside assignment

For more relationships with Latinos in the coming months before Brook and I go on trips to Italy and Germany in the spring

For my friend in another country

Praises!

Continued therapy

Continued relationship building

As always let me know how you are or any prayer requests! It's encouraging to know what's going on in your world. Or even say hi. It's encouraging to know that you are remembered even if you live on the other side of the world!

In Him,
Taryn

A Year of Swollen Legs

A year ago, Sunday, November 22nd, I was on my way to share at some teammate’s church outside of Richmond, VA about the Lottie Moon Christmas offering. It is the offering that allows for there to be over 5,000 missionaries around the world with the IMB. As I was walking to the car, one of the kids at the training center asked me where I was going and told me she liked my dress. It was a dark blue satin dress with white swirls along the hem of the dress. I was also wearing my favorite black high heels with some earrings that were a gift from my Papa Bob. I had curled my hair. I told her I’d be back after lunch and that I’d come back to find her, so we could play together that afternoon. I didn’t make it back to see her though.

The big one year mark. Something about anniversaries seem to capture us whether they are good or bad ones. Today is my one year anniversary of my car accident. I feel a little emotional (well a lot) and a little overwhelmed (also a lot- if I’m being honest) as I look back over this past year. A year ago I was so ready to go to Spain. During training we would talk about Paul and whether or not he went to Spain and my heart would ache as would beg the Lord that I’d go. I’d almost be in tears as I thought about something happening to not let me go. I would quickly dismiss my thoughts and tell myself to stop being paranoid. But something did happen that did it’s best to keep me from going.

I haven’t made it this far without strong reminders of what happened a year ago. I have light scarring on my face from where glass had cut me. My chin slightly sticks out more than usual because of the metal plate that helped stabilize my once broken jaw. Where the jaw bone was broken slightly sticks out on my chin line. One side of my mouth is still numb and drags a little bit if you know to look for it. My teeth are slightly discolored from the apparatus that was in my mouth for 6 weeks while it was wired shut. My knees are scarred as are a few other parts of my legs from the surgeries and the placement of pins and nails. Parts of my legs are still numb from possible permanent nerve damage. My right calf still has a bruise and several muscles remain hard and injured even after a year. My legs and ankles still swell and have more or less been swollen for a year now (and will be for a bit longer). Even though my pain level has gotten better, I still ache or have nights where I can’t get comfortable because of my muscles or bones. I am regularly stiff. The old ladies in the metro are faster than me going down the stairs (what a blow to the ego). As of now I still do not have the ability to get down on my knees and pray because it hurts too much. And my Bible is still stained with my blood.

Some of the things I’ve mentioned are vanity or things that will continue to improve. They are the things I notice and no one can see them. I’m quite the perfectionist so some of these things have left me in tears at times as I’ve obsessed over them. Something though about my blood stained Bible brings me back to the important things. The things that matter. The things that cost us something.

The Gospel costs something. The good news is that a sacrifice has been made for us and freedom is within our reach only through our Savior. I will fight until the day I die for this Gospel. I pray that I walk in a righteous manner so that I can continue to share it. I pray that I don’t get distracted by this world. There have been things in my short 25 years that God has asked me to walk away from, and I have. Some things took more time than others and sometimes because I didn’t immediately obey. I paid the price for that lack of obedience.

But the thing is that my heart is his. I can’t deny how he has changed my heart. I can’t deny the hope he’s given me. To deny this is to deny my existence, and I just can’t bring myself to do that. No matter the heartache. Awhile back I was in my car talking to God. And I told him that if he just tells me what he wants me to do, I’ll do it. So here I am. An accident didn’t change what he told me to do. It just meant I had to fight harder to follow him. I can’t walk away from this. Some may think I’m a fool. Some may question how I can still follow a God who has allowed for these “bad” things to happen.

I’ll still follow him because he is good. In reality no matter how good of a person I am, I’m still at fault, and I still do wrong. These trials are not meant to push us away from him but to draw us near if only we’d let it. The other night I was reading in my journal kind of wondering to myself “what was I thinking a year ago before this happened?” Little did I know and strangely enough, I had already made up my mind about how I was going to deal with this trial.

Journal excerpt October, 21, 2009

Make me fall more and more in love with you, so that everything else around me fades away until I can no longer see it. I hate to ask for it, but make me experience sacrifice. I must forsake all things to show my love for you and that you’re the one I follow…

Journal excerpt October 22, 2009

Make yourself real to me. Let me experience you in a way as never before. I pray I am always subject to you always. Please let me have a peace in the midst of the trials ahead…

I didn’t remember writing those things until I looked back at them a few days ago, and I was blown away. And I struggled through those things as well. Was this really the way I needed to learn whatever it is that I need to learn? Why like this? Other people get to learn these lessons in a seemingly less painful way… right? The questions go on and go, and many times I have to fight to silence them in my head.

I don’t have the answer for these things, honestly. And unless I hear the answer from God, there’s not an answer anyone on this earth can give me that’s sufficient. Not because opinions and godly counsel don’t matter, it’s just something that I’m dealing with God about (more like what he’s dealing with me about). I fear that when people (myself included) try to put a value on it all or pinpoint exactly the “why” we lose the value of what God may want to show. So here I stand. I stand ready for the answer while realizing this side of heaven I may never know. I stand ready to serve because I can’t imagine my life any other way. I stand broken because God uses the broken to do his work. But I stand. I’m his. He loves me despite the wrestling I do. He loves me even though I cry out to him “why” all of the time. He is patient and longsuffering.

I’ve done a lot of soul searching and asking as this day has approached. I have questioned and demanded answers from the people that were there the night of the wreck at the hospital (they have been kind enough to entertain my curiosity). I have asked them what happened, what they knew, what I said to them in the following days. I’ve learned some things and even a year later have remembered things that were lost in the midst of a fog of pain and medicines. It’s also shed some light on the way in which the Holy Spirit seemingly took over and gave me the grace to treat the people around me kindly.

I’m learning what it means to look at what I’ve been through and to say, okay God… you are worth this. Because last time I checked this little incident cost me a lot and it will continue to cost me. So it’s hard. Without the Holy Spirit I can’t do this. So I stay awake at night trying to figure out how God is at work and how I continue to be in the midst of that. Not easy to do, but I don’t know any other way to walk through this than with him. To walk this alone would make me a fool. Thank you for those of you who have shared trials in your life with me. They remind me that I’m not alone and I’m not the first one to walk down a difficult path. Your stories challenge me and encourage me. Thank you for walking righteously. If anyone else has a story they’d like to share, please send me an email (taryneb@yahoo.com) Through you I am reminded that we are never alone. Thanks for your prayers over this past year and please keep them coming! They are a blessing and help in more ways than you or I know.

In Him,
Taryn

Valencia Trip Photos

Brook and I went on a trip to scope things out in Valencia, Spain that past August. Here are some pictures from the trip. Enjoy!

Where I lived for 22 days!


It's supposed to be a woman with earings

Market at night

Paella!

Towers of the old city walls

Brazilian black beans- so good!

Sea food

Important part of the day- snack :)

Old river bed turned into a huge park that winds through the city

One of the bridges-Alameda

Famous Valencia Market
Plaza
Fountain in a plaza

Cathedral

Best paella!

Valencia metro

Metro stop with palm trees

Snack of champions

Beautiful park

Cool old building

Bull Ring and train station

Center of city

First trip!

November Update

Puppet show in a park– Gary and Julie Clifton have mobilized some Latino believers to use this as a way to share the Gospel at parks where Latinos gather- their little boy, Matthew, sticks out a little!


Two Angels

Brook and I met Y, an Ecuadorian immigrant from Madrid, in the metro in Valencia back in August. She was there with her husband and daughter visiting a friend because her world was falling apart. Little did I know when I struck up a conversation with her, that God was using me as a messenger.

We exchanged numbers but were not able to meet up until October because of her work schedule. I knew she must’ve been desperate for friends if she was willing to meet up with and English speaker who could barely understand her over the phone (phone conversations are the worst for language!). She kept saying she just needed someone to talk to.

Finally we found a time to meet up. Brook and Carmen went with me. The huge blessing about Carmen is that her first language is Spanish and her and her husband are the church planting part of the team in Madrid. They’ve been doing ministry for about 50 years, so they know what they are doing!

Y shared with us all of the things that are going on in her life… her and her husband are separated because he is with another woman, and she has no friends here. She said that things were really bad when she was in Valencia, but that Brook and I were like two angels that day when we met her. She said she later asked her friend if she thought we’d actually call her when we were back in Madrid, and her friend told her yes.

Y has started coming to a woman’s Bible study at Pablo and Carmen’s, and she seems so hungry for the truth. Pray for her. Pray that if there’s any hope that God will repair her marriage. Pray for her little girl G who’s 5 years old.

As I help blaze the trail, it’s encouraging to see that God is using me. His Spirit is at work here in Spain, so please keep the prayers coming for the work going on!

Our Excess

I’m fairly certain with how the economy has been the last few years that everyone is feeling the effects. Saving has dropped down and things are tighter than usual.
With the difficult time financially all have suffered and the number of missionaries being sent to the nations has also dropped. The reality seems to be in front of me anytime I have meetings. I hear how the IMB is being even more strategic with where they send people. Some ministries have had to drastically change and other ministries suffer because the work cannot get done with fewer personnel.

I would challenge you with the Lottie Moon Christmas offering coming up to consider your excess. You may not have any excess, but God doesn’t call us to give out of our excess. He calls us to give sacrificially. Sacrifice hurts. It costs us something. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because this completely applies to me as well.

Am I willing to give to the point where it hurts a little? Am I willing to sacrifice my “wants” so that the nations can hear the most important words about life? Am I willing to ask God how much he wants me to give and trust that no matter the amount, he will provide?

These things lay heavy on my heart as I reflect on how blessed I am to be here part of this work. I’m here because of you and your giving. The IMB didn’t send me. You did. Thank you!

Prayer Requests
Continued healing for legs– stairs are finally getting easier!
Continued research on Germany and Italy– hopefully a trip will be made there in the coming months (January or February)
Bible study group that has begun at the Pachalian’s house (Pablo and Carmen)
For friends Brook and I’ve made for my physical therapist who I spend an hour with everyday– that she responds to Truth

Praises
Continued therapy
Brook had a successful trip and London! We were glad to see each other after 5 weeks apart!
Y’s open heart to God’s word

Please let me know your prayer requests or say hello!
Send me pics of family or grandkids– let me know your holiday plans. I just like being connected to home :)


In Him,
Taryn